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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 New page by 10 a.m. Monday-Friday

IF BUSH WAS A GIRL Flash movie Thanks Richard H

US helicopter mows down Iraq wedding party


 

12:45pm - I removed the Ten-Foot Poll about mail to Iraq after learning that, in MOST cases, Iraqis do not handle mail and packages sent to our military people in Iraq. But there is one exception, and during the noon program tomorrow the military mail honcho will explain that (3pm - I'm told this must be rescheduled, so I'll let you know).

 

Andy Borowitz
HUNDREDS OF GAY MARRIED COUPLES HAVE HISTORIC FIRST FIGHTS
Petty Spats Erupt Across Massachusetts

Just minutes after same-sex couples celebrated their historic legal marriages in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, hundreds of those couples had their first legally recognized fights, Massachusetts officials said today.

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney confirmed that an epidemic of petty spats among gay newlyweds had erupted across the state. "From Boston to Stockbridge to Wellesley, gay married couples are rolling their eyes at each other and muttering insults under their breath," Governor Romney said in a press conference today. "It's a proud moment for Massachusetts and for our nation."

According to Governor Romney, the lion's share of the acrimonious squabbles occurred when the same-sex newlyweds realized for the first time that "they now have in-laws and there's nothing they can do about it. The specter of interminable Christmas vacations spent with horrendous relatives plus the prospect of no-account brothers-in-law hitting them up for cash appear to be at the heart of many of these historic first fights," Governor Romney said.

Lana Colfax, 46, and Marge Stovell, 43, lived together as a couple for twenty years but had their first invective-laden spat only after getting legally married in Newton, Massachusetts on Monday morning. Mrs. Colfax and Mrs. Stovell started ripping into each other, reportedly "about money," just moments after leaving the church where they exchanged vows, wedding guests confirmed.
Hours after their argument subsided, Ms. Colfax hailed their first fight as "a great milestone for us," to which Ms. Stovell added, "You moron."

Elsewhere, President Bush said "significant progress" was being made in Iraq and upgraded the situation there from a fiasco to a shambles.


 

RESULT:

 

Schizophrenic Texas killer executed after Perry denies requested stay

Texas Poll: Governor Perry's approval rating at new low

Hard lessons from poetry class: Speech is free unless it's critical Thanks, Mario G

Reuters and NBC staff claim abuse in Iraq prison Reuters Global Managing Editor David Schlesinger's complaint letter read, in part, "The military's conclusion of its investigation without even interviewing the alleged victims, along with other inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the report, speaks volumes about the seriousness with which the U.S. government is taking this issue."


Marines guarding oil terminals in Persian Gulf

Soldier sentenced in 1st prison abuse court-martial

US faces growing fear of failure The Bush administration is struggling to counter growing sentiment that the occupation of Iraq is verging on failure, forcing a top Pentagon official on Tuesday to concede serious mistakes over the past year.

British soldier arrested over hoax "abuse" photos


 

Bush White House trumpeting programs he tried to cut

Georgetown students try to vote themselves scholarships from prom cash

Survey asks jurors if they've used sex toys, watched porn, used pot

UPS driver comments on stars he has delivered to

Germans flock to adopt ants as pets

Google to offer tool to search your own computer

Aussies intercept 4-blade streetfighting knife with photo

 


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