Air Force Denies UFO Crash
(MPI) - A Mars Air Force spokesthing denounced as false rumors
that an alien space craft crashed in the desert outside of Ares
Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press conference today, General
Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that, "the object was, in fact,
a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft."
night, a Major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base
contacted the Gusev Crater Daily Record with a story
about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came
down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times
before coming to a stop, and "deflating in a sudden explosion
of alien gases."
later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record
telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming
across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by
incidents involving swamp gas.
general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation
of recent events. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's
statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up,"
noting that Mars has no swamps.
Driv Rhodo, who lives in the area of the reported landings,
is even more skeptical. "I seen it with my own 5 eyes,"
claimed Rhodo. "I've lived here over 300 years, most of
my adult life-form. Them things used to be few and far between
but lately they come in every few years or so. The government
wants to bury the truth but I can tell you what's real. The
Earthlings are going to invade and the government is spending
our hard earned tax dollars on press releases and denials instead
of preparing for the battle to come."
denied any government involvement in the disappearance of Rhodo,
who has not been seen since shortly after the interview, claiming
"Any sentient being knows that a planet with the concentrations
of water and oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and inhospitable
environment for the formation of life, much less intelligent
and consternation caused by the unfounded and wild speculations
of citizens like Rhodo are a traitorous disservice to the citizens